An Update | July 2019

Well hello, there Internet!

I told you it might be a while till you heard from me again and I think a 3-month wait isn't too bad compared to my usual posting schedule of maybe once a year. *more like once every year and a half but who's counting?* 

So I guess y'all might want an update of my life happenings, or if you don't feel free to just skip this post and I'll see you in a year! But to those who do stick around and hear me out, I apperciate your faces and wish to squeeze them all one day.

Let's start with a big thing - I graduated from college! And oh boy am I happy to be done...at least with undergrad. Because that's big thing #2 - I got accepted to graduate school! You know me, the overachiever who knows is considering going for her Ph.D. *someone remind me of my student loans every time I think about that idea, please and thank you.* I am quite excited though to start this new chapter of my life and start to narrow my focus in my studies to communications and marketing which has always been my first love.

I also accepted a job offer to work for a company that is absolutely incredible and they treat me with such kindness and provide me with the freedom to do a lot more than I ever thought I would, especially at this stage in my career. I'm incredibly grateful.

What else, what else?

OH! I got a new pup, his name is Frankie and he's my little bud. He follows me everywhere and between him and my boy, Louie, they make my heart so happy. They've been my saving graces as I went through a rough patch over the past few months.

Speaking of the past few months and my rough patch, I spent the greater portion of the winter and spring in a constant state of anxiety, panic, and depression. I never felt so out of control and thankfully I have a fantastic support system around me of not only family and friends but doctors and therapists that got me through a difficult time. Maybe I'll write a whole post about those few months another time, but I'm finally feeling better and I just want to focus on that for right now.

So to those who will read this, remember this: you're not alone, and there is always hope. :)

I will speak to you all soon, thanks for staying tuned. I know this wasn't much but I just felt like saying a quick hello and getting back into the swing of things, since well this blog gives me tons of anxiety. Lol!

Have a lovely summer!

Speak soon!

- Haley 

An Update | April 2019

I'm just going to go ahead and say it - yes...the donut was delicious, thanks for asking! 

No no no, I'm here to answer the age old question of "why can't Haley keep to this blogging thing?'

The answer to that fantastic question person inside my head is that I get anxious almost every single time I open up this thing. It gives me nothing but a pit in my stomach of impending doom, guilt, with a dash of ugh. Isn't that lovely? Probably not what you wanted to hear and if it is, well then...you're not nice. 

But seriously, this thing gives me more anxiety than I usually like to admit and it's something I don't think I'll ever bring back full time but who knows. For now, though, I guess I'll continue to come and check in every once in a while to give y'all an update. 

A lot has changed since I started this blog at 15 years old. It's been 7 years and I still remember the first time I wrote a blog, I was so excited and terrified of people finding out I did this, and I don't regret one moment of it. I think about blogging often and how maybe I should have kept up with it or I should have pushed past all the fear that I associated it with. But I didn't and I'm okay with that because it was a part of this crazy journey I've been on. 

I mean seriously, in front of all of you, I got my first job, graduated high school, started college, transferred colleges, turned 21, met some of the most amazing people, lost people and pets, and now I'm getting ready to graduate college and go to grad school. I don't know, but it just felt right that I should let you all know what's going on. 

So to wrap this all up, I want to say thank you for reading this little space on the Internet I've been fortunate enough to hold for so many years. And I promise to keep you all updated on my life and all the boring things that happen in it! Haha! 

Maybe I'll talk to you soon, maybe I won't. Either way, I hope you have a fantastic day. 

Talk soon! 

- Haley 

P.S. Yes, I did hide all my old posts. You're welcome for less cringe existing on the Internet, no one ever needs to see some of those again! Haha! 

I gave in.

For the first time in my life, I gave in to the universe. I know that might sound insane, but let me explain.

I stopped trying to control things that are out of my control. I took my hands off the steering wheel of my life (don't do this in real life, please and thank you) and let myself cruise down the highway with the windows open. I have always been the person who has had to control every aspect of my life - it was my coping mechanism for my anxiety. If I could control my environment, my feelings even, my anxiety wouldn't be as bad. Or at least that's what I thought, but oh does anxiety work the complete opposite way. And I am not saying that by throwing my hands and saying to the world, "here I am, do what you want," my anxiety has disappeared. However, my shoulders aren't so heavy anymore. 

A few months ago, I went through some shit. I'm not really interested in getting into the details but I will say I was at rock bottom. I had lost the majority of my friends, my community, my reputation was damaged, and my heart and spirit were broken. It fucking sucked. And in those moments of grief of losing so much, I released I can either crawl deeper into the darkness or give in. Give in to the ever occurring current of pure momentum that God or the universe, whatever you want to call it, had given me. I always pushed against it but I was so low and so destroyed, that I thought that letting go wouldn't be so bad. And it was the best decision I have ever made. 

I started living by the motto of "one day at a time." I tried every day to find the positive, and negative, of the day and believe that it was truly all happening for a reason. I stopped thinking I could control everything and just let life's natural progression for me happen. Everything began to fall into place - I transferred schools, found amazing opportunities, felt happiness and excitement again and knew deep down that everything was going to be okay. Believe me, if my 6 months ago self heard me talking these days, I would have thought I lost my mind. Instead, I think I found my life. 

I'm not trying to preach to you to believe in something you don't because god knows I hate that. All I am saying is, give yourself a break sometimes. You deserve all life has to give you and most of the time we block our own path to true happiness and peace. 

So, here's to today because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. 

Talk to you soon, 

Why Did I Leave?

Today, I officially withdrew from the college I met some of the greatest people at, learned things I would have never had at, and became the person I am. So, you might ask, why did I leave? 

The universe. Or the man upstairs. I don't think it truly matters if I'm being honest. It just felt right. 

For the majority of my life, I didn't trust my feelings. I trusted my gut but my emotions, nope. I just used the left side of my brain and made the logical, rational choice. And this decision to transfer is a strategic and rational decision for me to make in the hopes of accomplishing what I want in life. However, for the first time, it's the right emotional decision, too. 

The college I've attended the last two years helped me learn how to accept what I was feeling and use it to help me attain my goals, something I thought would never work. It's just, now, I need to move on to continue growing - academically and emotionally. It's time to challenge myself, once again, and fight through the nauseating feelings of change and prove to myself I can do it, I can do whatever I set my mind to. 

When I received the acceptance letter in the mail from the University I am transferring to, my heart stopped. For the first time, in a very long time, I made a decision for myself and absolutely no one else. I was selfish, and you know what, it felt good. I've never felt better about a decision in my life, and, honestly, everyone I care about is so happy for me. I received nothing but good wishes and "congratulations" from everyone, and for the few who haven't said anything or who are mad, I hope we can continue to be friends and one day you'll understand. 

Transferring colleges was not an easy decision, but, it was the right one. So to anyone considering making a big change, no matter what it is, I hope you remember to put yourself first. Take time to listen what your heart, not just your mind, is saying and take the leap. 

Till next time,